Relieving Relationship Stress
Desert Valley Ranch Life- February, 2014
Much Ado about Nothing
In our ongoing look at stress and how it affects our health and our lives, these are our main sources of stress: emotional, physical, environmental, and nutritional. The most common things that can cause us to be emotionally stressed are:
Stress: mentally or emotionally disruptive or upsetting condition occurring in response to adverse internal and external influences and capable of affecting physical health. American Heritage Dictionary, 2000
How often do we see two people experience the same situation and react very differently? One could become extremely distraught and the other mildly disturbed. What is the difference? The first allows herself to become emotionally hijacked and the second has developed resilience to stressful situations.
Often, if we are experiencing a challenge in our relationship, we have conversations with the other person, except that all of the dialogue is in our head. This sets up an expectation that could become self-fulfilling. My son shared this example with me. A friend came to his work and told him that another friend, Daniel, was really angry and was going to get him. Well, for the next couple of hours, Sean had all of these internal conversations accusing Daniel of being unfair. “He had no reason to be mad. I didn’t do anything to him.” Well, when Daniel finally got there, he said, “Hi Sean. What’s up?” He was calm and friendly. Sean realized that he had wasted a lot of energy being so upset for hours, mentally defending himself from Daniel, when there was no reason.
How many times have we had these internal conversations and jumped on the person with whom we were having them, when they had no clue what the explosion was about? Instead of having that argumentative conversation with the other when they are not there to defend themselves, suppose we pictured exactly what we would like to have happen when we saw them. Visualize in every detail what would make you feel loved and appreciated. Your mind does not know the difference between your imagination and your experience. When you imagine what you love, your brain releases the same hormones as when you are experiencing that same thing.
Often times, someone you are in relationship with can push your buttons. They didn’t install the buttons, they only pushed them. (This is why some mothers are so good at pushing your buttons. They installed most of them. LOL) I love to say that I help people uninstall their buttons because most of our buttons come from childhood and can have long-term emotional, health and social consequences. Remember, stress is contributory or causal in 75% to 90% of visits to primary physicians.
Another idea to calm your emotions is to use EFT or tapping. You can find the instructions on my website, pat-farrell.com. Click on the EFT tab. You can literally tap away unpleasant emotions. I have been practicing and teaching EFT since 2000 and still use it if I am feeling just off center or angry. I am very good at beating myself up for something I should or should not have done. EFT helps to release any upset.
Think before acting. Make the choice to respond rather than react. Remember, there is a reason you are with the person you are with! Remember to love them and let them love you.
Pat Farrell has a private practice in the High Desert and works with corporate health and wellness programs. She has been teaching Stress Management since 1991 and is the author of How to Be Happy…No Matter What’s Happening. Pat can be reached at 760-961-4027 or [email protected]. Visit her website at pat-farrell.com.
Much Ado about Nothing
In our ongoing look at stress and how it affects our health and our lives, these are our main sources of stress: emotional, physical, environmental, and nutritional. The most common things that can cause us to be emotionally stressed are:
- Our jobs and the workplace
- Financial Challenges
- Personal Relationships
- Family
- Health
Stress: mentally or emotionally disruptive or upsetting condition occurring in response to adverse internal and external influences and capable of affecting physical health. American Heritage Dictionary, 2000
How often do we see two people experience the same situation and react very differently? One could become extremely distraught and the other mildly disturbed. What is the difference? The first allows herself to become emotionally hijacked and the second has developed resilience to stressful situations.
Often, if we are experiencing a challenge in our relationship, we have conversations with the other person, except that all of the dialogue is in our head. This sets up an expectation that could become self-fulfilling. My son shared this example with me. A friend came to his work and told him that another friend, Daniel, was really angry and was going to get him. Well, for the next couple of hours, Sean had all of these internal conversations accusing Daniel of being unfair. “He had no reason to be mad. I didn’t do anything to him.” Well, when Daniel finally got there, he said, “Hi Sean. What’s up?” He was calm and friendly. Sean realized that he had wasted a lot of energy being so upset for hours, mentally defending himself from Daniel, when there was no reason.
How many times have we had these internal conversations and jumped on the person with whom we were having them, when they had no clue what the explosion was about? Instead of having that argumentative conversation with the other when they are not there to defend themselves, suppose we pictured exactly what we would like to have happen when we saw them. Visualize in every detail what would make you feel loved and appreciated. Your mind does not know the difference between your imagination and your experience. When you imagine what you love, your brain releases the same hormones as when you are experiencing that same thing.
Often times, someone you are in relationship with can push your buttons. They didn’t install the buttons, they only pushed them. (This is why some mothers are so good at pushing your buttons. They installed most of them. LOL) I love to say that I help people uninstall their buttons because most of our buttons come from childhood and can have long-term emotional, health and social consequences. Remember, stress is contributory or causal in 75% to 90% of visits to primary physicians.
Another idea to calm your emotions is to use EFT or tapping. You can find the instructions on my website, pat-farrell.com. Click on the EFT tab. You can literally tap away unpleasant emotions. I have been practicing and teaching EFT since 2000 and still use it if I am feeling just off center or angry. I am very good at beating myself up for something I should or should not have done. EFT helps to release any upset.
Think before acting. Make the choice to respond rather than react. Remember, there is a reason you are with the person you are with! Remember to love them and let them love you.
Pat Farrell has a private practice in the High Desert and works with corporate health and wellness programs. She has been teaching Stress Management since 1991 and is the author of How to Be Happy…No Matter What’s Happening. Pat can be reached at 760-961-4027 or [email protected]. Visit her website at pat-farrell.com.
